My Journey

When you’re so far the deep end, all that is left, all that ever will be, is to find how far the rabbit hole goes to, until you’re back at the top again, and still you choose to persist, to dive back into the depths, yet again to dance with the shadows. – Smaran

Pain is a signal that something in the body, mind or soul is damaged and in need of attention. More and more in our society people are looking outside themselves in desperate search for an external remedy to ease their pain. Whether it be physical or emotional pain, the idea of taking a pill or finding an easy distraction to ease that pain is reaching epidemic proportions. As a life-long sufferer of anxiety and depression, I have experienced intense emotional pain on a daily basis. I remember in my late twenties, dreaming of a pill that would ease that pain. When that pill became available to me in my early 30’s I began taking it. Since that time I have been on and off those pills several times. Last year I suffered a miscarriage at the age of 42. It was a devastating experience and I was instructed to double my dose of anti-depressant. One month later I was suicidal. I then read that certain drugs can backfire at times and intensify the symptoms they are supposed to be easing. I felt betrayed. Suddenly the safety net I had built for myself disintegrated and there below it was the wide abyss of hopelessness and despair I had been running from my entire life. At that point I knew that it was time for me to dive into that abyss and swim in its murky depths for the source of the pain. It was time to look at it, unflinching, unwavering. I could not look away. What followed has been the most profoundly transformative time in my life. I want to share that journey with you because quite frankly, I am tired of being alone on this path. I want to connect to other souls who align with the wisdom that I am gaining each day that I stay in this game. I dare you not to look away. If you feel a resonance with these words, please let go and leap into the depths with me. There is plenty of room down here!